They say to you, “Oh man, I have to have this meeting with Bill and I have to criticize his work. They have to tell a subordinate that they're going to fire them, or they have to criticize one of their subordinates. Imagine: someone is telling you about a difficult interaction they have to have at work. You may think this could be annoying, but if you do it in the flow of a conversation, people won't notice and it will work well. Mirroring is just taking the last few words a person said to you and repeating them back. So, minimal encouragers are effective, but in moderation. In fact, I was giving a training presentation a couple of weeks ago, and when I'm listening to people in the audience talk, I tend to say, “yeah, yeah.”īut I actually must've been using them a bit too much, because I got a comment in the evaluations that said, “Bruce stop saying ‘yeah, yeah’ so much. They let the other person know we're paying attention and that they may continue speaking. They include things like, “mm hmm,” “uh huh,” “ah,” “yes,” “okay”. It's the small phrases or sounds we use in conversation to reassure the other person that we're paying attention and listening. In social science, we call these things “back-channel cues”. Give them have time to think and respond. So ask a question, when you've said something important at any point in the conversation, let it sink in. There's a pressure on both or all parties in a conversation to fill silences, but you have to use your calm, reserve, and courage not to fill those silences. Now, silence is a little bit awkward in conversation. If you ask open-ended questions, you have to then be silent. They're very effective, but people often undermine their effectiveness by asking an open-ended question and then continuing to talk. They get people to talk in an open-ended way about whatever the topic is. They get people to talk about themselves. Open-ended questions are an incredibly effective technique in conversation. You might ask an open-ended question, and then you have to pause. When you're listening to people, you have to pause. It's simply the idea that you want to use all of these skills together in your repertoire when you're listening to someone to maximize your effectiveness as a conversational counterpart, negotiator, friend, colleague at work, or boss. There's nothing special about the term Tactical Empathy or this combination of skills. I am going to teach you about one particular combination that Chris Voss in his book, Never Split the Difference, calls Tactical Empathy. When you use a combination of reflective listening techniques, you will be more effective and have more power in listening then using any of them individually. These books included Chris Voss' book about negotiation, a book called Difficult Conversations and another book called Crucial Conversations.Īt some point in each of these books, they all recommended combining reflective listening techniques into a “package” of techniques. In a series of books I was reading, I noticed a pattern in their advice.
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